Okay, I really need some outside opinions on this because my head is spinning. My husband, bless his heart, just tells me to “try and get along” but he doesn’t see what I deal with. This whole thing is about my mother-in-law, Brenda, and honestly, I feel like I’m being treated like I’m some kind of monster when all I did was try to make things better for everyone.
So, Brenda has always been the one to host Christmas dinner. Every single year since my husband and I got married, and even before that, I guess. It’s always at her house, which is, well, it’s not bad, but it’s small. And it’s kind of out of the way for half the family. She always makes a big fuss about how much work it is, how tired she gets, how she has to clean the whole house top to bottom. She complains about it, but then if anyone offers to help, she just waves her hand and says, “Oh, no, I’ve got it,” but then keeps complaining. It’s a whole thing.
This year, my husband and I bought our first house. It’s a really nice place, much bigger than Brenda’s, with a huge living room and a dining room that can actually fit everyone without having to squeeze. I was so proud of it, you know? It felt like a fresh start for us. So, I thought, wouldn’t it be nice if we hosted Christmas this year? It would give Brenda a break, which she always says she wants, and it would be a chance for everyone to see our new home. Plus, I actually enjoy hosting. I like to decorate, and I’m a pretty good cook, if I do say so myself. I love making things festive.
So, about two months ago, I brought it up. I was trying to be polite. I said to Brenda, “Hey, with our new house, we have so much more space. We’d love to take a turn hosting Christmas this year, to give you a break.” I really thought she’d be happy. She always complains! Instead, her face just went totally cold. She said, “Oh, that’s… an idea.” And then she just changed the subject to something about her prize-winning petunias. I thought, okay, maybe she just needs to think about it.
A week later, I brought it up again, a little more directly. I said, “So, are you thinking about letting us host Christmas, Brenda? We’re really excited about the idea.” And she just sighed. A big, dramatic sigh. “Honey,” she said, like she was talking to a child, “Christmas dinner is a tradition. It’s always been at my house. It’s part of how we do things.” I tried to explain that traditions can change, and it would be a nice new tradition, and how it would be less work for her. But she just got more and more stiff.
Then she started telling everyone that I was “trying to steal Christmas.” Can you believe it? Steal Christmas! All I wanted was to host a nice family dinner in my own home. My husband’s sister, Karen, started calling me, saying I was being “disrespectful” and “stepping on Brenda’s toes.” She said Brenda was really hurt, and that I was trying to show her up. Show her up? I just wanted to host! My house is bigger, sure, but that’s just a fact. It’s not like I bought it to spite her.
Things got really tense. Brenda started making passive-aggressive comments about how “some people” don’t respect the way things are done, or how “some people” think they’re better than everyone else. It was obvious she was talking about me. My husband tried to mediate, bless him, but he just made things worse by suggesting we “alternate” years, which Brenda shot down immediately. She said, “No, Christmas is here. Period.”
Eventually, I just gave up. It was causing too much stress, and I didn’t want to ruin Christmas for everyone, even though it felt like Brenda was doing that herself. So I told my husband that we’d just go to Brenda’s again. He told Brenda, and she acted all triumphant, like she’d won some big battle. She didn’t even say thank you for backing down. She just said, “Well, I suppose that’s for the best, dear. Some things are just meant to be.”
But here’s the kicker. Now she’s going around telling everyone that she “had to put her foot down” because I was “being pushy” and “trying to take over.” She’s saying I made a big deal out of nothing and caused her a lot of stress. I’m the one who tried to be helpful, tried to give her a break, and now I’m the bad guy. I just wanted to share the holiday spirit in my own home, and make it easier on her. I don’t understand why wanting to host a family dinner is such a crime.
It’s not like she even enjoys doing it, she complains every year. So why is it so wrong for me to offer? I feel like she just likes being in control and doesn’t want anyone else to have a turn. And now I’m stuck going to her small, crowded house, listening to her complain about how much work it is, all because I tried to be nice. My husband thinks I should just let it go, but it’s really bothering me that everyone seems to think I’m the problem here.
Am I The Jerk? I just really need to know if I was wrong for thinking I could host Christmas and trying to give her a break. Tell me what you really think.
