Okay so I really need some help figuring out if I’m way off base here or if my mother-in-law is just being totally unreasonable. This whole thing has just been a big mess and honestly, I’m at my wits’ end. My spouse, let’s call them Alex, is stuck in the middle, and I just feel like I’m not asking for much.
So, a few years back, Alex and I finally saved up enough to buy our first house. It was a big deal for us, you know? We worked really hard for it. Alex’s mom, my mother-in-law, let’s just call her Carol, she helped us out with a little bit of the down payment. Not a huge amount, but it definitely helped us get into a better place than we would have otherwise. We were super grateful, and we told her so. She said it was ‘just family helping family’ and that she was happy to see us settled. We thought everything was good.
Now, our new house has a spare bedroom. It’s not a huge room, but it’s decent. From the day we moved in, Carol just started calling it “her room.” Like, she’d say things like, “Oh, when I come visit, I’ll be staying in my room,” or “I hope you don’t put too much junk in my room.” It wasn’t ever discussed that it would be her dedicated room. We thought it was just a guest room, like any other house has for family and friends. But she kept on with it, even telling other relatives, “Alex and [my name] got a house, and I have my own room there!” It felt a little weird, but we just kind of let it slide because, you know, she helped us, and we didn’t want to make a big deal out of nothing.
Fast forward to now. Alex and I have been trying to start a family. It’s been a bit of a struggle, and we’re going through some fertility treatments. It’s really expensive and emotionally draining. We’ve been talking a lot about our future and what we’ll need if we’re lucky enough to have a baby. And obviously, a baby needs a nursery. Our house only has two bedrooms besides our own. One is currently being used as an office/storage, and the other one is the “guest room” that Carol calls “her room.”
So, we decided we needed to convert that guest room into a nursery. It’s the perfect size, and it’s right next to our bedroom. It just makes sense. We started talking about buying a crib and painting the walls a nice light yellow. Alex was excited, I was excited, and we were really looking forward to it.
Then we told Carol. We thought she’d be happy for us, given everything we’ve been going through. Oh boy, were we wrong. She got totally upset. She said, “What do you mean, a nursery? What about my room? Where am I supposed to stay when I visit?” We explained that of course she could still visit, but she’d have to stay on the pull-out couch in the living room, or we could set up an air mattress for her, or maybe she could stay at a hotel nearby. We even offered to pay for a hotel for her first few visits after the baby comes, just to show her we weren’t trying to kick her out.
She absolutely refused. She said it was disrespectful, that she helped us buy the house, and that we were going back on our word. We never, ever promised her a dedicated room. It was always a guest room. She started crying and saying we were ungrateful and that she never should have helped us. She even called Alex later and said that I was probably pushing this because I don’t want her around. Which is just not true! I like Carol, usually. But she can be a lot sometimes.
Alex is trying to smooth things over, but Carol won’t budge. She’s saying that if we turn “her room” into a nursery, she’s not visiting us anymore. She even hinted that she might want her down payment money back, which we definitely don’t have lying around! It was a gift, not a loan!
I just don’t understand. We’re trying to build our family, and we need the space for our future child. It’s our house, and we pay the mortgage and all the bills. We’re not saying she can’t visit; we’re just saying the guest room needs to be used for our baby. Anyone would agree that a baby needs a nursery more than a grown adult needs their own private room for occasional visits, right?
Am I The Jerk for wanting to turn the guest room into a nursery for our future baby, even though my mother-in-law calls it “her room” because she helped with the down payment a little bit? Please tell me the truth, because I just feel so bad and confused. It feels like she’s making this all about herself when it should be about our family growing.
