I am needing some advice for a situation with my husband’s mother. We have been married for five years now, and we have a beautiful child, a son who is almost two years old. Since our son was born, the relationship with my mother-in-law has become very difficult. Before, it was okay, sometimes she was a little strong in her opinions, but it was not so much of a problem. But now, with our son, it is different.
My mother-in-law, she is always wanting to be involved. I understand she is a grandmother and loves her grandson, this is natural. But she does not respect boundaries. I have tried many times to explain to her what I need, what we need as a family, but she does not listen. For example, when our son was just a baby, she would come to our house without calling first. I would be maybe trying to nap, or feeding the baby, or just wanting some quiet time. She would knock and then just open the door, saying “Oh, I was just in the area!” It was very invasive. I told her many times, “Please, call before you come.” But she would still do it. She would say, “But I am family! I do not need an invitation!”
And then there is the advice. All the time, advice. How I should feed him, how I should dress him, when he should sleep, how I should hold him. Even about his toys! She says, “Oh, this toy is too loud, he will not like it,” or “This toy is not good for his development, he needs something educational.” I know she thinks she is helping, but I am his mother. I am capable. I read books, I talk to doctors. I know what is best for my child. When I try to say, “Thank you, but I have it handled,” she gets upset. She says, “I have raised three children, I know what I am talking about. You are too young to know everything.” It makes me feel very small and disrespected.
The biggest problem, and this is what happened last week, is her wanting to be alone with him. She always says, “When can I have him for a day, just us? Grandmothers need special time with their grandsons.” I have told her no, many times. I am not comfortable with her being alone with him yet. He is still very young. She does not follow my rules when I am there, how can I trust her to follow them when I am not? For example, I have a strict rule about screen time. No television, no tablet, not until he is older. She thinks this is silly. She has said, “Oh, a little cartoon will not hurt him! I let my children watch cartoons, and they are fine!” This is exactly why I do not want her alone with him.
Last week, she called my husband, not me. She said she wanted to take our son to the park, just the two of them, for the whole afternoon. My husband, he is trying to be peaceful, so he said he would ask me. When he told me, I was very clear. “No. I do not want him to go alone with her. Not yet.” My husband tried to explain this to her, gently. She became very angry. She called me directly then. She said, “Why are you keeping my grandson from me? Are you trying to cut me out of his life? This is not fair! I am his grandmother!”
I told her, “I am not keeping him from you. You can see him when we are there. But I am not comfortable with you taking him alone right now because you do not respect my wishes as his mother. You have your own ideas about how to raise children, and they are not always the same as mine. I need to be sure that my rules are followed for my son’s well-being.” She said I was being selfish and cruel, and that I was causing a problem in the family. My husband is now feeling very stressed because his mother is calling him every day, crying and saying I am a terrible person.
I feel like I am just trying to protect my son and my boundaries as a mother. It is my right to decide who watches my child and when. She is his grandmother, yes, but I am his mother. I should have the final say. I am not saying she cannot see him, just that I need to be there. I am trying to establish a healthy relationship where my decisions are respected. I think I am being reasonable. Am I The Jerk? I would like to hear from people who understand that mothers need to be strong for their children. Tell me if I am wrong to stand up for myself and my son.
