Hello everyone. I am here to ask for outside opinions, because I am truly confused by the reaction of my daughter. I try always to do what is best for my family, but it seems I am not understood.
My daughter, Elena, she is now 27 years old. I raised her mostly by myself after my husband, her father, passed away when she was young. It was very difficult. I worked two jobs, sometimes three, to make sure she had everything. I wanted her to have a good life, a stable life, a life better than what I had. I always told her, “Elena, you must study hard. You must get a good job. A job with security, with benefits. Something like a doctor or an engineer or a lawyer.” These are good professions, no? Stable. Respected.
Elena, she was always very creative. She loved to draw pictures. From when she was a small girl, she was always with her pencils and papers. I encouraged her, of course, because it is good for children to have hobbies. But I also told her, “This is a hobby, Elena. For fun. Not for your future profession.” When it was time for university, she wanted to study art. I was not happy about this. I said, “Elena, what kind of job you will get with art? This is not stable. You will struggle.” But she was very insistent. She cried, she begged. So, I, being a good mother, I compromised. I said, “Okay, you can study art. But you must also take some business classes. You must make sure you can make money.” I paid for her university, all of it. It was a lot of money, a very big sacrifice for me.
After university, for a few years, it was exactly as I predicted. She struggled. She worked in coffee shops, she tried to sell her drawings online, but it was not much money. I would call her often and say, “Elena, this is not a life! Why don’t you apply for a proper office job? Something with a salary and a pension!” She always said, “Mama, I am trying. It is my passion.” I supported her, still. Sometimes I sent her money for groceries, even though I was still working hard myself.
Then, about two years ago, things changed for her. She started working for some companies, making illustrations for their websites and advertisements. She became very good at it. She started her own small business as a freelance illustrator. She works from home, mostly. And she makes good money now. She even bought a small apartment for herself in a nice part of the city. I was surprised. I was happy, of course, that my daughter was finally doing well. But also, I felt some worry.
Last week, I went to visit her new apartment. It is not very big, but it is modern and clean. She was very proud to show it to me. But as I looked around, I still felt a little unease. Her work is still drawing pictures on a computer. It is not a real office, with a boss and colleagues and a fixed salary. What if one day the companies do not need her anymore? What if the computer breaks? It is not truly secure, this kind of work. I told her, “Elena, this is nice for now, but you need to think about your future. This drawing, it is not a real career. You need to get a proper job with a company. A stable one.”
She sighed. She said, “Mama, I am doing very well. I make good money. I own my own apartment. I am happy.”
I said, “Happy is not secure. You bought this small apartment. It is good, yes. But you could do better. You know, I am getting older. My apartment is getting difficult for me to manage. All the stairs.” I live in an older building, it is true. I continued, “This apartment you have, it is a good investment. You could sell it. And with that money, and perhaps a small loan, you could buy a bigger house. A house with two apartments, perhaps, or a house big enough for us both. Then I could help you manage your finances, make sure you are making wise choices. And I could be closer to you. I could even help with the cooking and cleaning, so you have more time for your ‘work’.”
I also reminded her of my sacrifices. “Elena,” I said, “I paid for your university. All those years I worked two, three jobs so you could study this art. Now you are successful, and it is thanks to me. You should consider giving some money to me. To help me with my expenses, or for my retirement. It is only fair, no? A return on my investment in your future.”
Well. Elena’s face, it changed completely. She became very red. She stood up and said, “Mama, how can you say these things? This is my apartment. This is my money. I worked hard for this. You are always criticizing my work, always telling me it is not good enough, even when I am successful! And now you want me to sell my home and give you my money? This is not fair! This is manipulative!”
I was shocked by her tone. I said, “Elena, I am only trying to help you! I am your mother! I want what is best for you. I am older, I know more about life and finances. You are being ungrateful!”
She pointed to the door. She said, “Mama, please leave. I need space. I cannot believe you would say these things.”
I left, of course. But I am so upset. I do not understand why she is so angry. I only spoke from a place of love and concern for her well-being. I want her to be secure. And I did make many sacrifices for her. Is it so wrong to expect a daughter to help her mother, especially when the mother invested so much in her future? I feel that she is being selfish and forgetting all I did for her. She should be grateful. I want her to have a stable life, and I want to be taken care of in my old age, as any mother deserves.
Am I The Jerk? Please tell me the truth, what do you think? I feel I was reasonable.
